Punishment For My Sins
by Destielishipit98
Summary: Ever since Castiel left Purgatory he has been feeling suicidal. To cope with the suffering he has caused, Cas has started self-harming. Dean, being an amazing friend tries to reach out to Cas. To help his best friend Dean sets up a little heart to heart chat, but things do not go as planned. Trigger warning: Cutting, rape is mentioned.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The slice of the angel blade

Castiel holds out his angel blade and presses it hard against his left wrist. Wounds inflicted by an angel blade, not only hurt his kind, but take a lot longer to heal. As the blood slowly seeps out, the deeply pained Cas becomes numb to the anguish of his past sins. The destruction of his home is entirely his fault, as every day passes he is finding it harder to cope with the suffering he has caused. Staying behind in Purgatory is not enough to atone what he has done.

" I'm sorry." Castiel mutters to no one. Dean and Sam have not returned from their hunting trip yet, so Cas has time to turn his mental pain into the physical pain that he deserves. Castiel has been self-loathing for centuries, but this is the first time he has had a release like this. He switches the blade to the right and makes a few more cuts.

 _I don't deserve forgiveness. I annihilated heaven, killed thousands of my brothers and sisters. I am constantly putting Dean in danger. How can that astonishing human still look at me? He must still hate me. I can't be a soldier much longer, it is all too much._

"Sam don't forget to grab the pie!" Dean yells as he slams the door. Hearing this, Castiel quickly puts away his angel blade and pulls down his sleeves. Castiel exits the bathroom and stands behind Dean, who is not aware of his friend's presence. Dean turns around.

"Jesus!" he shouts and jumps back ,"Dammit Cas, don't do that!"

"Sorry Dean." Cas apologizes and takes a step back, that's when Dean notices that his best friend's eyes are red and puffy.

"Have you been crying? Dean's face is now plastered in worry. He has never seen Castiel cry, he didn't even know angels could.

"No." Castiel tries to convince Dean, but Dean can see straight through. Dean does not buy that answer, not one bit.

"That's a load of bullshit, tell me the truth Cas." Dean gives him a stern look.

"Yes, I was crying. Castiel hangs his head and sighs. He feels pathetic and weak. He can't bring himself to look at Dean. Angels are meant to be strong and emotionless, but now he's crumbling. He's failed Heaven, and the Winchesters.

"Why were you crying?" Dean is extremely worried about his best friend, especially after Castiel say he might kill himself upon returning to Heaven. Dean leaned back against the table along the window and pulled out a beer.

"It is not important. Now what have you and your brother been researching? Found any leads?" Cas tries to change the subject, but Dean is having none of that.

"Don't change the subject. And what do you mean it's not important, of course it is!" Dean raises his voice slightly. How could Castiel think so little of himself, his feelings matter. Dean will get to the bottom of this.

"Dean, it doesn't matter-"Dean interrupts him, stepping closer.

"Your feelings do matter and we will discuss them, especially since you admitted to me you are having suicidal thoughts…" Dean stops for a moment to breathe then continues." You're not going to end your own life, right buddy?" Dean feels as if he's going to cry. There's no way in Hell him he is letting Cas take his own life.

"No, Dean I just, miss my heaven, I got slightly emotional that's all I'm fine, really." Cas looks up at his friend's face and smiles weakly. Dean accepts this explanation and offers Cas a beer, which he declines. Before Dean can get Castiel to talk some more about what's going on inside his head, he hears Sam walking through the door with pumpkin pie and some more beer.

"Hey I'm back- oh hey Cas didn't know you stopped by. Why are your eyes all red?" Sam, although not as close with Castiel as Dean is, can still pick up on something being wrong with the angel.

"Bad day, anyway you find any peculiar events that could use your services? You know on your tabloid thing."


	2. Chapter 2: The Realization

Chapter 2: The realization

After burning the treacherous wendigo in Woodland, California the brothers pack their bags and drive to the nearest motel. Dean rocked out to his Metallica record, which annoyed the shit out of Sam. Then after letting Sam take the wheel and taking a quick nap, he insisted that Sam pull over and buy some more pie. This insisting lasted for at least ten minutes before Sam could no longer bear his brother's obnoxious whining. As they brothers were shopping, Castiel was resting in a Japanese flower garden in Lethbridge.

Castiel had been there for hours contemplating his meaningless life. He betrayed Heaven, was an unworthy soldier, and worst of all would never get to meet his father. There were very few angels that have ever seen or heard from God. Joshua was one of the few that had a direct line to God, and he basically told them that God was finished helping. God was done with them, wasn't even going to attempt to stop the apocalypse. All this time Cas thought it was a test. God wanted to see what the angel's would do, give them free will. Now Castiel wishes he wouldn't have tried to convince his family of being free from order. In the end it would have been better to let Raphael win, then try to become the new saviour.

"I'm so sorry brother." Tears form in the corner of his blue eyes. Even after how awful Raphael had treated him, he still loved him. It was twisted, everything was a mess. If it wasn't for Dean he would have killed himself long ago, as long as he has Dean by his side he can manage. Sitting cross legged by the purple Petunia's he closes his eyes and tries to remember peaceful times. The only memories that come to mind are with the Winchesters. This deeply saddens Castiel, he never created one fond memories with his brothers and sisters. It was all bloodshed and misery. Centuries of fury and fighting, along with endless punishment. Castiel did not follow his orders never completely, that's why Raphael defiled him, making him filthy and untouchable. The very thought of it makes Castiel feel sick, like he is about to vomit.

"Cas, get your feathery ass down here!" Dean's voice distracts the angel from his haunting past, within seconds Castiel is standing before his friend.

"Yes what is it, Dean?" All three men are standing in the motel room. The maid had just finished cleaning. The beds were neatly made, the bathroom pristine, and the windows polished letting the rays of the setting sun stream through.

"Ah he answers," Dean chuckles," Come sit down with us buddy." Dean pulled out a chair and gestured for Cas to sit down." Cas was slightly confused, the Winchesters usually call if they need information, but never to just sit down. Castile passed for a moment to take a seat. He was becoming worried. Dean sat next to him on the second wooden chair, and Sam took his place on the bed closest to the door. Castiel did not understand the strange habits of humans, but from the motions of the brothers he sensed something was not good. He felt awkward and his hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly.

"Is um, is something wrong?" Castiel was not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"No, nothing's wrong we just want to talk to you, make sure you're feeling alright." Dean placed his hand on Cas's shoulder. Castiel flinched and angled his body farther from Dean.

"Everything's fine." Dean knew he was lying and was wondering why Castiel flinched. It was odd how sometimes he could put his hands on Cas, and sometimes he wouldn't let him. What was up with that? Cas was distant and seemed depressed most of the time. Lately Dean was considering stealing Castiel's angel blade. He was afraid that Cas would hurt himself with it.

 _I'm afraid I might kill myself._

Dean couldn't get those words out of his head."Yah okay, you're fine, totally even though you flinch when we come near you, you have been extremely quiet and distant whenever you answer my calls, and you're having suicidal thoughts. Cas, you are clearly not fine don't pull that Bullshit on me.

"Dean… "Castiel looks away from Dean and looks over at Sam who is holding his hands in a prayer position. He doesn't look surprised at Dean's statement, that'd when he realized that Dean told Sam about their earlier conversation."You told Sam about our conversation?" Castiel wasn't sure why, but he felt genuinely offended by this.

"Of course I did he`s my brother, now what-"Castiel cuts him off.

"That was a private conversation Dean! You had no business exploiting my feelings." Castiel jumped up from his chair pushing it back. His hands were clenched in fists. Castiel was extremely pissed he was acting a bit radical. Rage he shouldn't be experiencing filled the vessel. It's not like Dean betrayed him, all he did was tell his brother how concerned he was for their buddy and why.

"Wow buddy just chill okay. I was concerned, and since we are a family I told Sam. He wants to help you." Dean reached out to put his arms on Cas's shoulder but was shoved back.

"Don't touch me!" Castiel growled. A look of utter shock and confusion crossed Dean's face. Now Dean's feelings were hurt.

 _Castiel has never acted this aggressively, what the hell has gotten into him? Something is really wrong with him, fuck! Dean`s mind raced trying to come up with something to say._

"No one is going to touch you, alright. You are completely safe here." Sam had gotten up by this point and slowly stepped closer to Cas, who is response moved away from the table and closer to the wall, widening the gap between them. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. Sam could see the panic and fear in his friend`s eyes. It was heart wrenching. There was a long silence. Neither of them knew what to say.

"I`m not safe, never have been, `` Cas paused he felt as if any moment her would burst into tears. He voice quivered. I`m the reason things aren`t s-safe anymore. If you want what is best for the both of you, then stop calling me. Dean… your father was your family, Bobby was your family, Sam is your family, I-I`m not." Before Dean could yell at him that none of that was true, Castiel vanished leaving both brothers in awe.


	3. Chapter 3: Reaching Cas

Chapter 3: Reaching Castiel

"Dammit!" Dean screamed throwing papers and books at the walls. He felt guilt for not handling the talk with Cas better. Castiel won`t answer Dean`s endless calls. Dean as been begging Cas to come back for hours to no prevail. No matter what he says his friend won`t come back. He had no idea that his best friend felt like this, and why on Earth would Cas says they weren`t family. Of course they were, they have been through thick and thin. Cas messed up big time, but they still cared for each other.

" _Dean…your father was your family. Bobby was your family. Sam is your family, I-I`m not."_

Those words stung, they hurt Dean on a deep level. Dean recalled the shaking of Cas`s voice when he said that. Castiel`s probably crying somewhere and there is nothing Dean can do about it. He feels useless and lonely. Dean needs Cas here, he can`t live without him. "Cas, please I`m sorry I touched you. I`m sorry I told Sam, I`m sorry for hurting your feelings. Come on buddy, come back. I know you said we weren`t family, but that`s not true. Family is about loyalty and wanting to take care of one another. We are family… I want to ensure you`re okay, make you feel happy. Yah you made a mistake by releasing the souls from purgatory, but you were only trying to stop Raphael. You have paid the price for your actions already, you don`t need to suffer anymore. We`ll work things out, but I need you to come back here so we can do that."

"Hello Dean." Cas suddenly appeared before the Winchester. Again his eyes were red and puffy, he looked exhausted. Cas listened to very word Dean had said. Castiel felt silly for his actions earlier, he completely overreacted. Although Dean`s words were kind, Cas still couldn`t forgive himself.

"Cas, hey I`m sorry about earlier." Cas smiled.

"I`m sorry as well, I acted foolish, and I didn`t mean what I said about not being family."Cas felt ashamed for saying that, he could tell he really hurt Dean.

" It`s water under the bridge, no hard feelings."Dean grinned and felt relief that Cas was here. He wanted to give the angel a hug, but stopped himself. He did not want to start another argument."So what do you-"Dean stopped abruptly when he noticed the blood on Castiel`s hand. "Buddy you`re bleeding." Cas immediately looked down to see the ooze of blood and rushed into the bathroom to wash it off. Dean followed him.

"Must have cut myself on something." Dean watched as Cas pressed the towel to his left hand. This was suspicious and alarming. If Castiel had said he got into a fight with another angel, or demon, or whatever then it would have made sense, but for him to accidently cut himself on something seemed out of character. Not only that, but he didn't even notice. The more startling matter was that he wasn`t healing himself. There was no need to apply pressure on the wound, unless it was done by an angel blade.

" Why don`t you just heal yourself?" Dean leaned closer wanting to inspect the wound." The angel realized his mistake and held his head.

" I can't heal wounds caused by angel blades." Dean was going to find out. He`ll think I`m weak, and senseless." Cas kept his eyes glued to the floor, feeling the sweat prickle his neck.

"You accidently cut yourself on a flipping angel blade! You didn`t notice that you sliced your hand, or did something else happen?Don`t lie to me!" Dean was becoming very frustrated. Dean then held out his hand and demanded to see the wound. Reluctantly Castiel gave him his palm. Dean looked at the cut and noticed another one at the beginning of Cas`s wrist. Pulling up Cas`s shirt sleeve the truth was revealed. Hundreds of scars covered the skin along with burns. It was a horrific sight, Dean gasped.

"Jesus, Cas." Dean grabbed the other arm and noticed the same cuts. This realization filled Dean with heartache."Cas, you could have come to me you don`t need to do this." Castiel lifted his head. Tears slid down his pale cheeks. He felt guilty, exposed, ashamed, and defeated.

"I`m sorry Dean, I can`t, it hurts too much."With that his legs give out and he collapsed to the floor sobbing. Dean held him for what seemed like hours. Castiel tried to tell him what he was feeling, what the angel`s had done to him for centuries, but the words wouldn`t come out. Finally after the sobbing changed to a sniffle he was ready to tell Dean everything.

"Please, buddy tell me what`s going on inside your head, tell me everything." Dean wiped Castiel's wet face, and gently pushed Cas`s brown hair back slightly. Cas calmed his breathing, and was able to stop the vessel from trembling. Taking a few more deep breaths he started his story.

"I lied to you when you asked if I ever did any cloud seeding up there. I didn`t want to, but when I was evicted from this vessel, and Jimmy was able to see his family again I was punished. They cut, they beat, and afterwards when I got the vessel back, Raphael tracked me to my favourite part of heaven and…" Cas found it hard to continue. Dean gently rubbed his shoulder encouraging him to go on. Castiel didn't flinch at the touch, it felt good, it felt safe." He took my purity, my virginity. They ridiculed and hated me after that. Now I can`t ever go back, I`m not family to them." Cas couldn`t speak anymore. He rested his head on Dean`s shoulder and fought the urge to cry again. Dean had not pulled away, so he was not angry and clearly not disgusted, so Cas relaxed.

"Cas, I am so sorry that happened to you, you didn`t deserve it. If I ever see one of those flying bastards again, I`ll gank`em. They lost an amazing angel, but we gained one. You are our family and there is no way in Hell I`m gonna let you keep self-harming."Dean wrapped Cas in his arms and hugged him.

WE ARE FAMILY NOW AND ALWAYS.


	4. The End: Thanks for reading

Thank you so much for reading this! I hope you enjoyed it, this is my first fanfiction so please leave me a review. If there is anything I should add, change, or I made an error please let me know! I appreciate you taking your time to read this:D


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